If your link for your First Draft is not working go back to the post in which you posted the link. To do this: click on New Post, then click on Edit Posts, click on Edit next to the post in which you included the link. The post window will open. Highlight the link you posted and then click Link, which is in the bar with spellcheck, bold, italics, etc. This will change the link that you posted into blue, underlined text, or a working link.
*If this does not work, simply post your first draft as a blog post on your blog.
Hi, I am Irene Luisa from English 101, First off, let me start by saying... I love, love, love, the picture of the father and son. I thought this photograph was well chosen, quite adorable, and exuded masculinity. With that being said, i wanna get to the essay and its content. At first, when I began to read your draft...I found that the opening statement was not a thesis.Your thesis should be your punchline. Your intro as to what your essay would be about, and I didn't perceive it in that way. Next time make it more open-minded and a little more detailed as to what we will be reading. In your opening statement, you also stated “ you can tell these are males by how they stand, the way they are dressed and there hair”. I thought that was a little vague and generalized. All males don’t have there hair in braids or stand in that manner. So next time when you’re writing, maybe try a different approah as to why these males are masculine. In paragraph two, you began to go into detail about your experiences as child. How you were raised for little girls not to have there hands in there while all photographing. I liked how you stayed on the subject of the style of the father and son posing, and how you as a little girl were taught to pose. That was a good comparison. Although, next time make sure your describing this as your own opinion. In your paragraph you stated “males are ususally known to have there hands in there pockets, its just a manly thing”. Be careful of those generalized statements. People may disagree with what you stated that “people” think. When you make statements like that, try to include facts supporting what you believe. Paragrapgh three was a good analysis of the detail marked in the photo you have chosen. I loved your attention to detail in the picture. Next time try to elaborate on why the details you mentioned were manly. Although, I did enjoy reading this paragraph. It fit together very nicely. In conclusion, I enjoyed your essay overall. Next time, please watch out for the generalized statements and pay attention to detal. Provide more depth to your choices in thesis, and you should be great! Love the essay though,
If your link for your First Draft is not working go back to the post in which you posted the link. To do this: click on New Post, then click on Edit Posts, click on Edit next to the post in which you included the link. The post window will open. Highlight the link you posted and then click Link, which is in the bar with spellcheck, bold, italics, etc. This will change the link that you posted into blue, underlined text, or a working link.
ReplyDelete*If this does not work, simply post your first draft as a blog post on your blog.
ok
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI am Irene Luisa from English 101,
First off, let me start by saying... I love, love, love, the picture of the father and son. I thought this photograph was well chosen, quite adorable, and exuded masculinity. With that being said, i wanna get to the essay and its content. At first, when I began to read your draft...I found that the opening statement was not a thesis.Your thesis should be your punchline. Your intro as to what your essay would be about, and I didn't perceive it in that way. Next time make it more open-minded and a little more detailed as to what we will be reading. In your opening statement, you also stated “ you can tell these are males by how they stand, the way they are dressed and there hair”. I thought that was a little vague and generalized. All males don’t have there hair in braids or stand in that manner. So next time when you’re writing, maybe try a different approah as to why these males are masculine.
In paragraph two, you began to go into detail about your experiences as child. How you were raised for little girls not to have there hands in there while all photographing. I liked how you stayed on the subject of the style of the father and son posing, and how you as a little girl were taught to pose. That was a good comparison. Although, next time make sure your describing this as your own opinion. In your paragraph you stated “males are ususally known to have there hands in there pockets, its just a manly thing”. Be careful of those generalized statements. People may disagree with what you stated that “people” think. When you make statements like that, try to include facts supporting what you believe.
Paragrapgh three was a good analysis of the detail marked in the photo you have chosen. I loved your attention to detail in the picture. Next time try to elaborate on why the details you mentioned were manly. Although, I did enjoy reading this paragraph. It fit together very nicely.
In conclusion, I enjoyed your essay overall. Next time, please watch out for the generalized statements and pay attention to detal. Provide more depth to your choices in thesis, and you should be great! Love the essay though,
Thank you for your comments. I'll use what you said to add to my second draft.
ReplyDelete